Australians All

This Will Make Them Testy

Paul Syvet

First published in the Courier Mail

The only concern I have with Andrews' new citizenship test is that some of the undeserving could still slip through the cracks by guessing answers to questions like "Who was Australia's first Prime Minister?"

Kevin Andrews is a policy maestro. Ignore all that twaddle from those lefty terrorist sympathisers over his handling of the Mohamed Haneef affair.

Our Immigration Minister is one of the stalwart few (and it’s good to have you back in the fray with us, Pauline) who stand between this country and the scourge of un-Australianism.

His citizenship test is a stroke of genius, and should help to weed out all the teeming unworthy who wish to join our ranks (well excluding those who can memorise a few facts and repeat them that is, but let’s not quibble.)

Let’s face it, I for one would not want to be living next door to new Orstrayans who cared so little for this great country that they don’t even know what our floral emblem is, or when Canberra was created.

Just think, until now, the person on the train next to you may not have even been able to answer correctly the simple question: “What is Australia’s biggest sporting event?”

Honestly, if you have to start explaining State of Origin footy to these people what’s the point?

The only concern I have with Andrews’ new citizenship test is that some of the undeserving could still slip through the cracks by guessing answers to questions like “Who was Australia’s first Prime Minister?”

It’s just a tad too easy. Any fool could tell you it was Henry Parkes.

This column, therefore, would like to suggest a few real brainteasers to weed out the undesirables from the queue. Perhaps a sample of the following would be apposite:

What is the name of the detention centre on Nauru?

Is the Pacific Solution?
a) a lot of water between here and the US
b) something to do with using Kanakas as slave labor in the Queensland sugar industry
c) out of sight and out of mind

Australians have sometimes been described as “xenophobic”. In 100 words or less, please explain.

A person of Muslim faith in Australia is correctly referred to as:
a) “a person of interest”
b) “un-Australian”
c) “the accused”
d) all of the above

How many children were thrown overboard by terrorists on the MV Tampa in 2001?

Which of the following is socially unacceptable dress code in Australia?
a) topless sunbathing
b) multiple body piercings and tattoos
c) rolls of fat displayed beneath a short muffin top
d) a traditional burkha

Define “core” and “non-core” promises.

In Australia – if you have had a “skinful” – it is illegal to drive a motor vehicle unless you are:
a) a member of the Queensland Parliament
b) a star football player
c) too pissed to walk home

In 100 words or less explain why Ned Kelly, a son of Irish immigrants, a convicted thief and murderer, is a national icon.

Which is Australia’s biggest growth sector?
a) parliamentary superannuation
b) rural subsidies
c) greenhouse emissions

Which of the following propositions do you agree with?
a) Multiculturalism has failed
b) The White Australia policy had its merits
c) Australia is a nation of immigrants which should welcome people from all corners of the globe to our shores
d) This is a trick question

In 100 words or less explain the difference between “wogs”, “slopes”, “dagos”, “darkies” and “lebs”.

Now explain in 100 words or less why Shane Warne is a great Australian, a good bloke, and someone every Aussie male would call “maaate”.

Indigenous Australians are:
a) tolerated
b) largely a problem that has been solved via various measures over 200 years
c) politically convenient at times

Provide three synonyms for the word “deportation”.